At My Wits End

Do you ever get to where you don't like your kid?  Ouch that is harsh.  I guess I should rephrase that.  It's not that I don't like my kid but rather I don't like the behavior.  I can always say I love them but the behavior I hate.  We've been struggling with Mikey again for awhile and today was my breaking point.  The last couple days I can't even say anything to him without him yelling/screaming back at me.  And it's not like I'm even asking him to do anything other than let's get our shoes on and take the boys to school.  Last night as it was time to leave pack meeting, I guess he started throwing another fit (I had to stay for a meeting) and Neil lost it with him in front of everyone.  It's hard when we're dealing with this behavior day in and day out and it just keeps escalating.  Why does it make me just a little happy to see Neil lose it with the kids.  Tha's awful too but I guess it's just reassuring that I'm not the only one who can't handle it at times.  Well like I said today was the last straw.  He got up and got ready for school immediately without a fuss which was great but then when he went downstairs he started teasing Lucy with his birthday cereal.  He'd ask her if she wanted some and of course she'd say yes and then he'd say sorry it's my birthday cereal and you can't have any which would throw her into hysteria.  I finally said for teasing her she gets a bowl which sent him into hysteria and then into timeout.  Sam and him were playing Nerf guns pretty good and chasing each other around the house and then something happened and Mikey threw his Nerf gun at Sam and told him he hated him which sent Sam into tears.  That's only the second time that word has been said to someone in our house and with Sam being the first to use it knew how awful it was to say.  Back to timeout.  Anytime I'd try to talk to him he'd just yell at me.  Last night Neil took all his birthday toys away for his bad behavior and that hasn't seemed to phase him.  He went to timeout 3 times this morning, obviously not phasing him.  I threatened to throw the rest of his birthday cereal away whch didn't seem to phase him.  I was at my wit's end and almost in tears and didn't know what to do.  We've had 4 straight days of terrible fits, yelling, disrespect and I just couldn't take anymore.  Everyone was in tears and upset and so I said since you can't behave at home you don't get to go to school today and they were making gingerbread houses.  Now that hit him and he started bawling.  He loves school.  Then he started wailing and my heart was so hardened I didn't care.  I hated that he was sad about missing school instead of being sad for how he's been treating everyone.  Well seeing Mikey so sad made Conner and Sammy sad and Sam tried to comfort him and hug him.  It was time to go to school and have family prayer and Sam prayed that Mikey would be good and be able to go to school.  In the van Mikey's crying and Sam is too and pleads with me to give Mikey another chance.  I'm still so mad that I say I'm sorry but he's got to have some consequences for his behavior that actually means something to him.  We drive on in silence with the two in the back whimpering and Lucy screaming about wanting her shoes on and me on the verge of collapse.  We get to school and as Sammy's gettting out of the van he asks again, please mom let Mikey have one more chance and once again I say I'm sorry but he doesn't get to go to school today.  Sam runs off to class all sad but then turns around and runs back and opens my door and with tears in his eyes and pleading in his voice he begs once more for me to let Mikey go to school and says that he will do anything if I let him.  Seeing the look in his eyes and his sincerity and love, my heart softened and I just quietly said we'll see.  I pull away and am immediately reminded of my Savior.  Even though Mikey had been so hateful and mean to Sam that morning and said and did terrible things, Sam forgave him and continued to love him so much so that he pleaded on  his behalf and was willing to do anything to save his brother from punishment, not knowing what may be required of him.  Just like Sam, how many times do my actions hurt my Savior and yet he continues to love and plead to Heavenly Father on my behalf.  Needless to say I was overwhelmed with emotion at this experience and was able to talk to Mikey calmly and explained the love Sam and I had for him no matter what and that he could go to school.  Was that the right choice.  I'm not sure we'll see.  Maybe I should have stuck to my guns but I just couldn't when thinking of Sam.  What a sweet and special boy.  He has just matured so much over the last 4 months and it is such a great joy to see his progression.  I am thankful to be the mother of these four little munchkins.  It definitely stretches me in ways that I never thought possible.  Somedays I feel like a total failure and the worst mom ever but then there are those tender moments when it's all worth it.  I would say 90% of the time is fun and great and the other 10% is like this morning but the Lord always sends His strength.  I am thankful for my kids and the example of good they are.  I really do learn from them.  I am reminded today of the scripture in Mosiah 3:19

For the ^anatural ^bman is an ^cenemy to God, and has been from the ^dfall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he ^eyields to the enticings of the Holy ^fSpirit, and ^gputteth off the ^hnatural man and becometh a ⁱsaint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a ^jchild, ^ksubmissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.